gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
