There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
