no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
