I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
