I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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