I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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