He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
