This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize