I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
