fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
