As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
