so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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