so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
