Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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