She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize