I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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