we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
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