i'm signing you up for texting rehab
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
