My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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