I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
