Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
