Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
