So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize