Whod you bang
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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