i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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