I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
