I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
