Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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