I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
