the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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