I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize