I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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