new low.... made out with someone while peeing
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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