I just threw up on my dentist
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
