I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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