so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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