we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
