does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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