I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
