I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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