i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
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