I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
