I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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