come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
