he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
