Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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