i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
