Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
