I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
