you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
