i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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