she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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