just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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