i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
