i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
