i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
