You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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