I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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