Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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