how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
